We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
