dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
