me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Is Oprah even human
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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