i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
