I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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