im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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