So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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