$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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