it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
