I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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