why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
