Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
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