i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
