Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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