i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You are a genius and a whore.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
