BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
