I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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