I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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