nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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