the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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