I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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