i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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