I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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