Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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