Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
