wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
