You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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