Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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