It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
