What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
