I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My ATM looks so different sober.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize