I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
