You really coming over, don't trick.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Randomize
