I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
