I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
