So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
