I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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