He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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