i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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