there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
