I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
