i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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