New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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