I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
