You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
