It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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