I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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