You really coming over, don't trick.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
