i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
YAS. BRING CRAB.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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