my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
