So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
