I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
