woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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