literally had 100 drinks last night.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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