dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude i'm inner monologue high
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
