It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
