I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
