I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
