I'm so fucking centered right now
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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